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Man Your Battlestations. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
seems we've got a lot of work to do.

[ i matter because i have myspace | myspace is what sent my blogging skills plummeting to oblivion. ]
[ uninteresting information about me | can be found here. ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Not even Humble Pie can fix this. [Jul. 28th, 2008|11:00 pm]
[Music |as safe as yesterday is.]

Can I.. face tomorrow?
With the, with the news you bring me
My soul feels cold like ice.
A pinprick makes no pain.
Oh, hear me, listen, help me..

I felt our thing change
From love, to something else.
Well, how can it plague my mind
A pinprick makes no pain!
Oh, hear me, listen, help me...

I -shall- find myself,
But I must have the time
..To sow the seeds of something new,

Farmer, farmer plough the field
Harvest, harvest all you can
A corn field smells so sweet
A pinprick makes no pain
Hear me, listen, help me

But to follow the weaver of dreams
Behind the sun that knows, it seems that
I'm foresworn--a naked troubadour

I sit at court and I sing
To the Princess of Beauty and Light
She favours me though I'm merely
A minstrel of the night

There on my right
Sits the King with his clowns
He pays to laugh
While his queen lives on downs
And the smile on his brow is the crown

Morning bird sing, fill my ears
With the joy of our sorrow unmasked
Lend me your wings for the sunrays of dawn
Are here to last

I take my leave, as I leave I must take
All I have seen in my dreams--then I wake
And it is as safe as yesterday is
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

29 Dimensions of Compatibility [Jul. 24th, 2008|09:46 pm]
[Mood | amused]
[Music |humble pie every day]

Today I received the following message on a dating site:

From AAJerseyGuyKK (106 miles)
To SheWasAGypsy
Date 07/22/2008 - 1:54pm
Subject Hey again

24 / M / Cherry Hill, NJ

Hey there! Just wanted to send a follow up message in case the first one never got to you. I had seen your profile, and I am interested in getting to know you. Hopefully after seeing my profile, the feeling will be mutual, but if I'm not the type of person you normally get along with, then just send me an IM or reply so I can take you off my favorites list, and not look like I'm stalking you :P

This message was a helpful follow-up from its predecessor, which was sent a few days before. I apparently deleted it, though I now wish that I hadn't, but he posted this fine photo of himself:



I like that he has a mask on because it makes me feel less bad about putting him on my journal. Here are a few desirable traits/general highlights of the future Mr. Sabrina Hesch, excerpted from his profile:

"I'm 24, and just a straight up genuine guy. I want to be successful, get the girl, retire on a nice island somewhere with my 857 grandkids. Now, I definitely don't expect that to happen immediately, and I'm open to anything that anyone is open to in between now and when that actually happens. I am happy to share more details with you.."

"..Sudoku, console video games, baseball statistics, any and all nerd/geek type things.."

"I have no sense of smell..."

AND The Big Finish- (This is what sold me.)

"You should message me if you like what you've read/seen so far, and/or you want to know what else I might have to offer.

Don't take it the wrong way if I "woo" you instead of sending a message. I only do so because I don't want to type out a long message (it’s almost inevitable for me to type a message and it not end up being long!) and never receive a response. It's hard to tell who's active and who's not on here. I will message you, as long as you respond to the "woo". Promise. :)

Also, if you see I looked at your profile and added you to my favorites: If you check out mine in turn and are not interested, it would help that you make it known so I can take you off."

I know, I know.. I'm a terrible person. But I think we'll have a happy life together.
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

About a boy. [Jul. 18th, 2008|11:50 pm]
[Music |blonde redhead]

Life sucks lately. I can't help but acknowledge this unfortunate reality. ...Hopefully things will shape up soon? Optimism sucks too. Even the word "sucks" sucks. I thought of using "blows" instead, but that can get just as annoying. So it was a toss up between bad and worse. I chose worse.

Today my Boss was mean to me for no reason other than that he targets others in order to divert attention from his personal life failings or inequities. Or anomalies or idiosyncrasies, or hyperboles or similies or onomatopoaeias. He kills me, and so many times I've thought of all these great, inarguable things that I could say to him in response, but ultimately I count backward from ten, slap my happy, slappy face back on and go back out there for Round II. The reason that I do this is that this man is 70 years old and also a snobby Euro-Latin-Mediterraneo. Everyone knows that you can't teach an Old Snobby Euro-Latin-Mediterraneo new tricks. No way, no how. It would just end in an argument with attached weirdness and awkwardness and these results take me way out of my confrontational comfort zone. Besides, everyone also knows that I have a soft spot for him.

However today, he fucked up big time; So let's do some name-calling in the name of Healthy, Balanced Stress Release:

My retaliation is posting all over the internet that Enzo is a Snobby Euro Latin Mediterraneo Drama Queen, and when I say Queen, I mean he's drifting uncomfortably somewhere between homophobic and homosexual. In 40 years, he has been through 3 wives and only one business partner. He's a perfect 50-50 combination of a senile geriatric patient and an angst-ridden adolescent South American boy. He claims that he used to bully socially awkward children in his youth, but I think the real truth is that he was the runt of the litter and never quite fit in because of his secret gay passion for shoes and button-up shirts with the top couple of buttons open to expose his Euro chain and pathetic thatch of Eurochest hair.

His current hairstyle is too long on top and it makes him look old and balding, but he thinks it's TOO fantastic. When he eats, he gets crumbs all over his mouth and the area surrounding where the eating took place. He often ignores me when I try to tell him that he has something on his face and simply leaves it there, as if to say "WHAT NOW, BITCH!". Fine, I'm not going to be your drool wiper, though it has basically come to that with your sick egocentric neediness.

We try to book him clients as tightly as possible without running too far behind schedule because if he lacks captivation or enthrallment for just a few seconds he starts poking around inventing "extremely important" tasks that have to be executed "WHEN you have time," which means Right Now. Examples include moving the washer and dryer in order to find That Thing That He Dropped Back There Over Christmas, finding him something very specific to watch on TV because it is commonly known that they have no remote controls in Argentina so he doesn't know how to use one; Sending us on long journeys to the very outskirts and annexes of our Narnia-like supply closet to count how many sleeves of hot beverage cups we have.

Also watering the plants, which is really a replica of the jungles of Argentina which he has amassed over time. He has a little doojigger that looks like some sort of anal probe and he makes us stick it DEEP into all of his plants so that it can tell us how dry or wet it is, and also the temperature. From the looks of things, this is his idea of foreplay.

He sits in his chair with a copy of Highlights Magazine and eats Wheaties out of the box while he sips one of the thirteen beverages that MUST remain on his salon station, despite the fact that the condensation on the outside of his cups makes everything wet and the cups slide all over the place like air hockey pucks.

He also ignores me when I point out the thick dusting of hair shards that get blown into the cups while he works on clients and that he is actually ingesting their DNA every time he wants a sip of his Iced Venti Non-Fat One-Pump Green Tea Latte, or the day-old coffee in his travel mug, or the Arizona Iced Tea bottle full of tap water from the slop sink in the back room, or his Yerba Mate, which is a lot less fun than it sounds.

So he's sitting there reading Highlights, eating Wheaties, drinking things, and playing air hockey, and whenever he comes across anything of interest, he demands everyone's attention by yelling across the salon, interrupting who knows how many conversations, consultations, and exchanges of information. If he feels that his position of power and manly authority is threatened in any way, he says unfunny and clearly serious disrespectful, rude, often degrading and always unprofessional things to me that make me look stupid in front of clients. He disrupts the very karmatic rhythm of my life, and one day I will sugar his gas tank so that he is stuck, stewing and drooling in his own pile of crumbs.

I was planning on ending this post after the first two sentences. Thanks for listening.
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

Weird military guys that loom in the darkness. [Jul. 11th, 2008|01:51 am]
[Music |Pretzels in my mouth]

This evening, I rather demurely and innocently joined my good friend, the infamous, the magnanimous, the ENORMOUS, nutritious, ficticious, delicious, and ALWAYS suspicious Krys Lee for a rather demure and innocent dinner at our local watering hole and everybody's favorite place to get ridiculous, Foley's.

Upon arriving, we encountered our good friends Mike Tattoo and Tony Tattoo outside the Tattoo Shop, which is next door to the bar. We've mulled over this a lot of times, but we just can't seem to figure out how exactly they make money because they spend most of their days standing on the sidewalk watching the traffic pass and catcalling [young girls] women. I do know that they've received a minimum of $275, which is the total cost of mine.

Tony Tattoo is a rather nondescript IrishFritalian Gangster, while Mike comes with an explanation. You see, there's a simple formula to Mike Tattoo that is the key to understanding him. Every day, and I mean EACH and EVERY day of this man's life, he wakes up in the morning and puts on a pair of Crazy Pants and a White T-Shirt, and then styles his hair like A.C. Slater. See for yourself:

Photobucket

So we exchanged pleasantries and possibly more than I anticipated, I don't know I gave him a hug.. Had a few chuckles, and went inside the bar where we found THIS MAN, who goes by Patrick the Pumpkin [like Richard the Lionhearted etc..] and here is a wonderful photo of Me and Pumpkins:

Photobucket

Obviously, hanging out with HIM was a great time. He told us funny stories while I had some jalapeno poppers and played Kasabian on the jukebox. One funny story he told us was about how earlier in the evening, he thought he might get a tattoo so he went into the Tattoo Shop, but "The Guy With The Nineteen Eighties Pants" neglected to acknowledge him and so the next logical place for him to go was into Foley's, and he stayed. Like "Okay, either I'm getting a tattoo, or a beer."

A little later on, I received a phenomenal back & shoulder massage from my friend Billy, who stole fresh mint from a planter in front of a nearby patisserie and subsequently handed it to the bartender to crush up in his mojito. Billy's mustache is exactly like this one:

Photobucket

Finally, this guy Raf or Raph or Raffy Laffy Taffy was drunk and hitting on me and he looks like this:

Photobucket

He's a weird military guy and he loomed in the darkness outside of Foley's. He wanted to walk me home. I aborted that mission.

Tonight, I decided that the catch phrase of Foley's should simply be "..I stayed." because upon asking pretty much anyone why they are at Foley's, they say something along the lines of,

"Well, I just stopped in to use the bathroom but.. I stayed."

"I came here to meet my friend so that we could go to another bar, but.. I stayed."

"I just stopped in to ask for directions, but I stayed!"

I just went there for a quick bite with Krys Lee, but I stayed. It is now 2:27am and the tale ends here.
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

People are dying, children are crying, concentrate.. [Jul. 6th, 2008|10:58 pm]
[Music |Sunny Day Real Estate - Seven/ Rainer Maria - Artificial Light]

"STELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Today, I found out something very upsetting about my nearest and dearest friend, and it's making me a little introspective tonight. So let's talk about me. This is the second night that I will be spending in my apartment. I feel lonely, which is ridiculous considering the fact that if I was sitting in front of my computer upstairs and not down here, I would have my bedroom door closed and hope to god [lower case G] that no one in my "irritating" family would barge in asking me if I did that thing that they asked me to do on Thursday.

Before this point, I was at Khols with Krystianne trying on the following AWESOME outfits:

Photobucket

Ok so after all that happened, I got sad and female and ended up in the unfortunate place that I'm in now. I feel like every time I think that things are going well, something happens that throws the entire thing out of wack and causes me to conclude that Life [capital L} is a constant succession of Blue Balls, which is build-up followed by calamity. WHY IS THAT??

Example: I currently have a fabulous vacation from a fabulous job so that I can move into my fabulous apartment where I can have my fabulous friends congregate, maybe even a fabulous male friend.. BUT [Life is filled with Butts] There are no bananas, AND I'm confronted with loneliness and calamity. IS THIS BALANCE? TAKE IT BACK, UNIVERSE! I don't want it. Let's have either everything go bad or everything go fantastically, because no one defies Artificial Light.

"Why is this technology an anathema to me?"

I struggle with the little things. You have a problem? I have a solution for you. It's immediate. It's most likely correct, psychologically sound and everything. I just don't have one for myself.

So again, I'm confronted with various inner struggles that end in nothing. Wanna go out? I'm a hot piece of ass.
Link3 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

I want to know.. Where are you tonight? [Jul. 6th, 2008|02:46 am]
[Music |QOTSA||Go With The Flow]

I moved into my apartment. I almost wrote papartment. Tomorrow I will buy the following things:

Bath Towels
Light Bulbs
Dish Sponge
Bathroom Cleaner
Economy-Size Jar of Maraschino Cherries
Tea Kettle
Coffee Pot
[Coffee]
--Steal Sweetener from Starbucks
Dishes
Bowls
*Nag Champa Incense
Silverware
Aluminum Foil
Broom/Dustpan
Paper Towels
AA Batteries
Milk
Cereal
Seltzer
Curtain Rod
Lots of Porn [For Bathroom Rack]
Pretzels
Case of Water Bottles
Bar Soap
Area Rug
Artificial Wildflowers
..DiGiorno?

I also need a coffee table, 3 dining chairs, a microwave, two turntables and a microphone.
Link2 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

Spanindunkin Troll Stripes [Jun. 30th, 2008|07:38 pm]
[Mood | productive]
[Music |Let's daaaance]

Everyone should have their own Troll. This is mine. Her name is.. Snarbara. Lawrence loves her but he can't have her because she's mine.
Photobucket

Someone drew this incredibly accurate political cartoon of Lawrence and published it in the (Times?) today. He told me that Snarbara is also in the picture, but that due to her chameleon-like Troll capabilities, she camouflages herself-- even in cartoons! Here, you try:
Photobucket

So I looked at the picture for a good long time, and then all of a sudden, there she was!
Photobucket

Then I went outside and observed that Albert and Carlos watched each other dress again this morning.
Photobucket

They keep on telling me that this FACT is just my imagination running away with me, but it must have taken me pretty far, because I could've SWORN they did it last week too! I'm not making this up. Look!
Photobucket

Situations like these make me wonder if I've been duped by society/the FED./your Mom into believing that I make things up in my head. However, it seems pretty obvious that I just proved the existence of Trolls and that Puerto Ricans wear prison stripes on purpose-- A thought which is reinforced by the fact that Albert apparently only has one set of stripes, but continues to support the PR Solidarity Movement to the best of his ability by re-wearing.
Link1 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

I'm long overdue for a post-2am gernal entry. [Jun. 30th, 2008|02:29 am]
[Music |thursday!]

Hi, everybody! It's me-- SABRINA!!!!!

Now that we have THAT out of the way..

I just got home from a fantastic evening in the city that I had with this fantastic person that I know and, on the train on the way home [1:06am], I found myself in a PICKLE. You see, by about fifteen minutes into the trip, I had established that pretty much everyone was drunk. The guy sitting diagonally across from me was probably my age and probably a Westlaker of some kind, and he was doing that thing where you try to make it seem like you're looking at other things [including crossing your arms, glancing at the ceiling above your normal line of sight..] which are very important so that you don't have to make or maintain eye contact with anyone and thus no one would possibly know how drunk you are.

Another guy came and sat next to me when there were clearly plenty of other seats and he had one ponytail. He pretended to read a book like I was actually doing, but the angle at which he held his book and also the fact that he didn't turn the page the whole time proved that he was just using it as something to look at, as to detract attention from himself. Across the threshold was a couple who appeared to have had a few too many cosmopolitans at the THEATRE. Also the conductor looked questionable, like maybe he had a flask of scotch somewhere in that sexy toolbelt.

The Troublemaker of the Train Trip [TTT] was middle aged, plaid-clad, and appeared to have high blood pressure and a receding hairline. He became very upset by a Guatemalen man who boarded the train at North White Plains. I never learned his true identity, but I'll call him "Amigo" because that's what the conductor called him. It was pretty obvious that Amigo came to this country very recently. His haircut looked FRESH. If not, then Amigo has been very lazy in learning the English language. It's also possible that he is actually a genius and has been playing the Language Barrier Card for God knows how long in order to avoid paying train fare. Below is a fairly accurate representation of Amigo, and a train car layout of where the key characters were:

PhotobucketPhotobucket

What happened was, the very weary and well worn Conductor couldn't decide what to do about this Non-English Speaker who had no ticket or money and could only produce a cryptic set of Guatemalen papers which he received upon asking Amigo if he had any ID. He didn't kick him off the train, he just sort of walked away and came back a bunch of times-- as if to see if the situation had changed at all. At this moment, I admit to feeling bad for Amigo. He literally looked like he was going to cry.

Now, if I was a visitor/parasite in a foreign country, like for example Asia, and I didn't speak the language, ultimately getting harrassed by some Asian train conductor and several onlookers all because I didn't get that the mass transit wasn't free? I would be upset, yes.

PlaidClad got all up in the conductor's face, trying to pull some USA Pride-related/"Working Man"/One Too Many Tallboys peer pressure on him. He tried to avoid saying anything, but PC just got louder, trying to evoke responses from everyone else in the car.

"Listen, PAL: I don't work for Metro North. If I worked for Metro North, I would've t'rown you off AGES AGO. I AM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN. I paid! HE paid! SHE paid! Why do you get to get off wit'out paying? WHERE YOU GOIN'? Where? KISCO? Figures. Tell you what-- In DIS country, you pay to take d'train. You got it??? YEAHHHHHH WISEGUY."

(So I Says..)"Well, I think this conversation is a little too big for 2am; I suggest we all go home to bed now and plan to reconvene at this time tomorrow to discuss it in detail. It must be awesome to be a train conductor."

Mrs. Cosmotheatre laughed. We had been exchanging "OMG" faces for about ten minutes prior. Bottom line-- People fear the following things:

A.)Other [drunk] people
B.)"Late-Nite" train rides
C.)Immigration issues
D.)Plaid
E.)Confrontation [in a public setting]

..And this is just one of the many examples in which all of them come together. Crazy. But totally worth it.
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

It's fuckin' MONDAY! [Jun. 29th, 2008|04:53 pm]
[Mood | chipper]
[Music |A little deathcab]

So my beloved Christopher Benerdeuce came home for a limited time only this past friday. I try not to go out on fridays in general because I'm stuck in the perpetual grind of working saturdays. Also on this particular friday, I was rather "well worn," if you will, from the night before. --But that's another story.

We went on one of our usual directionless drives accompanied by bemusement and merriment, captivation, and wonder, and music. After a time it was late, but I was like, "WHATEVER-- It's fuckin' FRIDAY!"

The next day we did exactly the same thing, and Chris came to the stunning epiphany that Sabrina's personal excuses for irresponsibility are limited to

"It's fuckin' SATURDAY!
...It's fuckin' WEDNESDAY!
....It's fuckin' THURSDAY!
.......WHATEVER. It's fuckin' TUESDAY!"

Photobucket

This may be a lot funnier to me than it was to you, but it had to be documented that I am backwards evolving. As much as I'd like to explore this further, I have to go get ready for the assuredly fantastic evening ahead because, after all, IT'S FUCKIN' MONDAY!

Photobucket
Link2 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

(no subject) [Jun. 25th, 2008|12:37 am]
[Mood | silly]
[Music |YATTA]

I absolutely have to cop this thread from my beloved toiletscribble.com because Like Snow and Like Gold need to know that the cause lives on. LiveStrong.
_________________________________________

The following transcription evolved from a theory proposed by Prof. John Fitzpatrick, PhD that Asians are not comparable to other humans because they are actually robots, explaining that they're incapable of gaining weight because they don't eat food. Because they're robots. Watch the Professor's dissertation on the subject at www.toiletscribble.com
_________________________________________

sabrina 06.25.08 at 11:37 pm

Further supporting the theory that Japanese and Asians in general ["Pan-Asians" OR "Pan-Fried Asians"] are obviously not human are the following FACTS:

FACT: They get to choose their own names. Contrary to popular belief, this does not happen only in America. Nail salons are the most obvious example of this fact. Popular Nail Tech names include Sue, Young, SUNNY [or Sun], Grace, Ann, Kim, and Donna. They choose one of these direct pronoun gold nuggets instead of their “real” names, supposedly so that their ignorant American customers don’t improperly pronounce or forget their actual names. [Examples of actual asian names include Pan Sook, Ning San, An Young, On, Pihng Pohng, Nil Pang, Tat Pook, Loohk Nau, and Mami Wata.] The reality of the situation, Johnny, is that Pihng Pohng translates directly back to Grace and you have been fooled.

FACT: Asians prefer things to be numbered because robots are person-shaped computers and computers interpret data using numbers. For example, when I call Magic Wok [914.769.5656 #1 Most Palatable Szechuan Cuisine in the greater Westchester area] I often order a #47 instead of Steamed Pork Dumplings, in order to bypass the information translation step.

FACT: Asian advertising often utilizes cartoon imagery because Asians have identified with cartoons since the Jetsons pioneered the Robot Acceptance Movement [R.A.M.] by having a robotic “Hired Helper.”

So, seeing as the above facts are clearly accurate, I’d say that we, as a dotcom collective, have made a HUGE, fantastic, and groundbreaking discovery in the field of anthropology.

You have to figure that if we get away with a measly 1% of the astronomical finder’s fee, we’ll all be able to say “Fuuuuuuuck YOU!” [or "That idea is not fantastic, Krys,"] at our jobs within the month.

My final thought is that my licensure also makes me a Nail Tech and I would prefer to be addressed as Sunny from this point forward.

fitz 06.25.08 at 11:44 pm

Sunny - I like your take on this! I think the menu ordering thing hit home the most. It makes so much sense! I once knew a Japanese girl named Pingh Pohng. She liked doing white lines and doing it on a table. If we hit this 1% finder’s fee we might be able to change the world…..all of us together….the toiletscribble collective.

Ricky 06.26.08 at 12:00 am

True story…there was a foreign exchange student at my high school. His name was (and i’m not kidding) Phuc Le. This was funny.

One day, one of my awesome teachers was at her computer and started dying laughing. She turned around and told me to come look. Sure enough, it was his full name: Phuc Hu Le.

fitz 06.26.08 at 12:01 am

It could only be better if her name was Phuc Me

sabrina 06.26.08 at 12:34 am

Here are some Japanese names that I found by googling “Japanese Names.”

ATASUSHI [#1], EUI, FUMIO, DAISUKE, GORO [Obvious good one,] HIDEAKI, HOTAKA, KAZUHIKO [Or KAZUHERO = Equally great,] MASASHI, NOBUYUKI, MITSUBISHI, KAWASAKI, SUBARU, SHIG, TAMOTSU [Or TIRAMISU,] and, because a classic never dies, YOSHI.
Link2 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

(no subject) [Jun. 22nd, 2008|06:59 pm]
[Mood | enthralled]
[Music |garbage]

Things that happened to me this week include:

--Don forced me to get into the car with him in the middle of a torrential rain storm so that he could enjoy some McDonalds.
Photobucket

You like that, Donny? Here, have some more.
Photobucket

--My boss, Lawrence, was caught red-handed violating the "No Beverages on the Desk!" rule. He made sure to set that sucker RIGHT on the Appointment Book/Nucleus of the Entire Business. He sure showed us who's boss!
Photobucket

--Enzo made a new friend over a slice of salad pizza.
Photobucket

--I did a terrific parking job outside of Alex's job.
Photobucket

--My friend Steven did a little multitasking.
Photobucket

--BRENDAN had hisself a 30th Birthday party. That pinata was certainly something!
Photobucket

--From said pinata, I totally scored 4.5 Chinese Finger Traps, 4 Rubber Tree Frogs, 1 Magnetic Pin of a "Party Girl" w/ lights on it, 1 Twizzler, 1 Pkg. Fun Dip, 1 Playing Card [Jack of Clubs], and 1 Small Green Alien figurine. WHOA!
Photobucket
Link1 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

Nice fucking guy. [Jun. 19th, 2008|01:04 am]
[Mood | amused]
[Music |Mob Hits]

Photobucket
Link2 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

THE LIST. [Jun. 17th, 2008|08:16 pm]
[Mood | accomplished]
[Music |LOVAGE]

What do you mean what list?

THINGS DOUCHEBAGETTES DO.

By Sabrina Hesch
and sort of Krys Lee;
Inspired by Johnny Fitz.
Based on a true story.

DOUCHEBAGETTE\ DEWsh-baag-ETT \ Noun

Female Douchebag(Definition-SEE toiletscribble.com)

1. They make dumb excuses about being late.

If a man is late, he's usually like, "Oh, sorry-- I'm late."
If a woman is late, she says something like, "OhhhhhhhhM'GOSH I-am-SO-sorry! I had to drop my daughter off at her douching lesson! Do you know how hard it is to DRIVE in this town??? I WAS IN BUMPER TO BUMPER traffic ALL THE WAY from CHAPPAQUA."

Why can't they just be honest with me?

2. They talk really loud on their phones in public places. Like church, or the library.
2b. They decide that a good time to make or receive a phone call is when they reach the front of the line at Cosi/Subway/Fung Wah Chinese Takeout, hindering everyone else's ordering.

3. They take forever to order Starbucks. It's as if they've never been there before. They lean over the counter with a blank, open-mouthed stare. Ultimately, they order a grande drip-- but they ask for a medium hot coffee. And a free something for Junior [See No.7]

4. They reverse on a one way street.

She missed that valuable parking space in front of my job because the kids were arguing over what to watch on the TV in the back of the Chrysler Town & Country. Too bad? No way! She reverses as far back as necessary to fit that monster into that skinny slanted parking space. she figures that all of the people whipping around the turn at the REALLY BUSY AND DANGEROUS INTERSECTION behind her will understand-- she has kids!

5. They leave shopping carts in parking spaces, period. They're too lazy to walk it back to the little cart hut because they need to get to the gym to burn fat between pregnancies.

6. *** They change the spelling of their first names, because it's cuter with an 'i' than with a 'y'.

ex. Cindy ----> Cindi or god forbid Cindii
ex. Stacy ----> Staci
ex. Danielle ----> Danny ----> Danni ----> Dani ----> DANII.

6b. They include a smiley face/heart/star in their signature.
6c. Hyphenated Surname. WHY????????????? Keep your maiden name, or take his name. You can't have both. No stop with the whining you can't. Can't Can't. And don't ask me to call you only one of the last names because I'll call you the other one on purpose.

7. They try to get freebies and/or discounts for their kids at various businesses/restaurants/HAIRSALONS solely because they are children.

ex. "Excuse me, do you think that I can have a little extra for him?"
ex. "Thirty dollars for a CHILD'S haircut? he's just a kid!"

ATTN: PEOPLE OF EARTH: CHILD HAIRCUTS ARE HARDER THAN ADULT HAIRCUTS.

8. They size up men and women in public rudely and obviously.

9. They pretend jokes are not funny when clearly, they are.
9b. They don't get a good joke because they were busy being douchebaggish.

10. Angry BREEDERS don't stop for pedestrians in crosswalks because they're busy being stay-at-home Moms.
10b. If your husband is rich and you don't have a job, don't and I mean DO NOT EVER complain about your hectic schedule.

11. They tell you how great you look when they mean that you look awful.

12. They make conversation about annoying things/Ask "So..What's going on with you?" when conversation is clearly unwelcome-- to see how polite you are.
12b. If you are coerced into telling them what's going on with you, they compare your accomplishments to those of their kids/relatives.

13. They wear ridiculous outfits/trends and then get Bitchface if people stare.

14. They ask you the same question multiple times to see if your answer changes. This is a clever test of your intelligence.

15. They dispose of large items in small trash cans, or just litter, because "someone will come to take it away." WHO IS THAT PERSON?

16. At checkout counters, they ask if items are on sale which they already know are not on sale.

17. They have accessories/trinkets/little dangly things for their cell phones.

This helpful graph will allow you to identify the four main types of Douchebagettes: Canaries, Retirees, Breeders, and worst of all-- Bitchfaces.
Photobucket


Canaries travel mainly in groups. They are easy to identify by the high-pitched squawking sound that they emit and their flashy/tacky outfits. They are not intelligent. Essential items include Cell Phone.

Retirees are characterized by floral patterns and large hats/orange glasses. They wear high-waist pants and socks with cats on them. They think that all young women except youth group leaders are tarts/harlots. These women are EXTREMELY opinionated and must be approached with extreme caution. They will engage you in conversation until you invent an elaborate escape, because they are retired and have too much time/not enough friends.
*RETIREES and BREEDERS give smokers a hard time about smoking.

Breeders have so many children that they don't know what to do. They have bad/nonexistent driving skills. They often have "Childbirth Hips." It's easy to pick out a Breeder by her excessive complaining that she has no time to herself, what with the kids and all.
****PROBLEM: They train their offspring to be breeders.

BITCHFACES have a nasty and unapproachable look. They are very insecure and it's obvious. They are, more often than not, Butterfaces. These evil beastwomen are never nice to customer service people, and will cut you off at ANY intersection. At bars, clubs, musical events, or any sort of nightlife/leisure activity, they sit alone and pretend to be having a terrible time. Finally, Bitchfaces are survivors: They look for men who won't appreciate them in order to -MAINTAIN- Bitchface.


I hope you've all learned something here.
Link2 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

from wangster to gangster? [Jun. 15th, 2008|07:14 pm]
so this buddy of mine, [we'll call him ron for our purposes today,] has developed a new character trait over the past couple of years wherein he pretends to be a gangster. this guy is essentially the whitest, most anglo-saxon person that i have ever met, and he never used to have this unfortunate and embarrassing problem.

now, this personality type includes the following basic elements:

the outfit: long white or excessively colorful t-shirt, possibly extending below the knee; jeans large enough to camouflage a small/weak/nonmuscular body frame; chain-- possibly a gift from a grandparent; hat with unbent brim, possibly with shiny hologram sticker and/or price tag still attached and crisp (no wrinkles).

the speech impediment: i call this a speech impediment because it is not an accent or brogue, dialect, or vernacular. it is simply speech that is intentionally broken with slang words that don't make any sense in the context in which they are used.

posture, body language, & nervous ticks: high tempo, uncontrollable and constant toe-tapping/knee shaking-- possibly in rhythym with windshield wipers or low-grade gangsta' rap, or simply to the beat of his own drum; slouched posture, sluggish movements similar to painkiller addict; long, empty stares; drool.

mood swings: in an instant, the attitude changes from positive to negative incl. aggression toward the mothers of passersby, other drivers, police, and/or other persons in the group; from good citizen to lawbreaker.

Photobucket

now, possibly all along but definitely by this point you're thinking, "why on earth is it that you bother spending time with this person, sabrina?" and i say that's a valid question. i answer you by saying that it's a matter of stubbornness and paradoxical wonder:

i'm still convinced that the real Ron is in there somewhere, and i feel that way because until he picks up the scent of one or more of his fellow gangsters, he is the Ron that i know and appreciate. until that time, that moment when everything changes, our exchange is intelligent, amusing, and enlightening. i'm too stubborn to admit that this person is truly lost to a primal, pre-evolutionary, animalistic existence.

similar to rubbernecking, i keep agreeing to spend time with Ron because i am absolutely fascinated by the abrupt and obvious way that this quickchange in personality happens. i mean.. he must know that i know that he's doing it on purpose-- yet nothing is exchanged in regard and i don't want to wreck the delicate balance at stake here-- Ron may overheat!

it's a curious thing that happens to people to make them feel like they have to act a certain way in order to be accepted by their target audience. why can't Ron just be himself? i may never find out the truth-- but i'm sure as hell planning on staying tuned. who knows? maybe next time he'll have a british accent, or he'll pretend to be a deaf or developmentally disabled person.
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

i'm making a comeback. [Jun. 14th, 2008|10:15 pm]
[Mood | artistic]

i've decided that the gernal outlet is something that has really been missing in my life. a lot of missed photoshop/microsoft paint/scanner/laughing on the phone with courtney opportunities down the toilet.
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

|| APPLAUSE || [Nov. 4th, 2005|01:16 pm]
[Mood |elevated]
[Music |sneaker pimps]

hi, how are you. i'd like to thank you all for having me here tonight, it's an honor and a pleasure. tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, goes out to a sweet young thing from long island. megan, stand up and take a bow! go on, stand up! i'll pour you a drink if you stand up megan...
a meaningless shoutooot just for you my leetle friend.
Link1 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

The Prologued Abstract [Sep. 28th, 2005|11:45 pm]
[Mood | contemplative]
[Music |blonde redhead~misery is a butterfly]

Courtney Clark: An American Legend, Always Good For A Hard Ride
Narrated by S.P. Auntellathy

Single White Female
ISO SWM MSNBC OBGYN w/ same
loves to ride, outdoor
places a plus, Saratoga Springs
area. Please be discreet.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
The face is quiet, pensive... cynical. Looks like rain. Perhaps young Pubert is feeling a little under the weather. Perhaps it's the inquisitive looks from other customers as to whether or not she was the model in last month's United Colors of Benneton. Or maybe it's nothing, just another piece of the Platter.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
The Little Red Riding Hood of St. Marks Place, the little cherub skinned the wolf and used its hide as a delightfully fuzzy trim for her hood. Now, she can ride in style. A thoughtful pose, the only contemplative dilemma now being if the wolf had already eaten her grandmother, or if this is rated Y7 and she's just locked in the closet soiling herself.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Ah, but a classic never dies. What a woman of great character, to pose enthusiastically in the attire of another culture, and a subculture beneath that. Go... GO, then! GO to the South Bronx! A touch of the right street jargon, and she'll have all the hookups. Keeps tight, cool. Just say that.

my goodnight wishes to the main character of our grandchildrens' folklore pop-up books. love PLANT
Link1 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

(no subject) [Sep. 12th, 2005|02:04 pm]
platter posted the ingriedients for a mixed drink. what's next? me becoming a roadie for clay aiken's world tour? dana going blonde? shayne looking old enough to ride the dragon coaster without being accompanied by an adult? WHATS HAPPENING TO US

next thing you know i'll be caught in bed with george vlastaris.
Link1 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2005|03:09 pm]
If someone should ever kick me so hard that I can't have children, it wouldn't bother me because I don't want them anyway.
Link4 helped him up|Christopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

Trouble in Gernie Paradise? [Jul. 22nd, 2005|11:58 am]
okay so did anyone read the article in the post this morning about the associate beauty editor from ladies home journal [gernal] who was recently fired for her anonymous blog that included some humorous commentary about her workplace???

i mean come on, daney, courtney, charly, even bethany??!! what does this say about our blossoming employment future? granted, people could simply keep their mouthes shut about their job and not say things about their bosses such as, quote:

"My boss regularly gets Marc Jacobs wallets and coats, plane-ticket vouchers, iPods, overnight stays at the Mandarin Oriental, yearlong gym memberships, and, of course, all the free highlights and haircuts poor dyed, straightened, and styled hair can stand."

see, it seems a bit bold reading it now, but as you all know, i will badmouth anyone who makes my blood boil on my personal journal. and i think that if i had her job, i probably would've done exactly the same thing. the only difference is that i'm not too big on anonymity. and i probably wouldn't dedicate my whole gernal to trash talking my boss.

okay! break for ceegarette
LinkChristopher Reeve fell out of his chair--!

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